Hybrid Vigor — an Amazed and Astounded Me

In the eighties I took all my earlier, darker attempts of visually documenting my life-discoveries to the dump, where I watched the scavengers come and take my “old” works. These people, poor and without any outside semblance of artistic taste, looked like pack rats scurrying off with leftover crumbs. The crumbs that were paintings made by my own blood, sweat, and tears.

That day at the dump in East Hampton, New York, symbolized the day I was ready to say “No” to the old, useless, no-longer needed part of me, and to say hello and “Yes” to the new, improved, better version of myself.

When I committed to living a sober life I wanted to start all over. A fresh start. It took awhile, but finally I was ready to do it. I loaded my car with all my pre-sober art — feeble attempts (some of them astounding really, and because I’ve always kept photographic records of my art work, none are forever lost) — to the public dump in the fancy East Hampton where I was living at the time. I hid behind some big bulging objects and watched as the gray-faced human scavengers came, and grabbed my brightly colored, weirdly surreal depictions of … dare I say … fear trying to beat up trust. What an exciting subject, eh? Not! If I had to describe what the theme of my “old, pre-sober” work was, it depicted the inner battle between me and my demons. For a subject. boring; but art work astounds without having to benefit the viewer. Nonetheless, I never regretted throwing the crap away, not for a minute.

That day, a new “me” was born: that part of myself I like to call my own Hybrid Vigor. Back when I was a botanical illustrator and assisting with Phd studies, my friend Tim Plowman — then the world’s most renowned authority on coca, the plant from which cocaine was made and the subject of the US Federa; study Harvard was involved in at the time — taught me what a hybrid vigor is, in biological terms.

“If you take two plants of a species which exhibit far superior qualities than any others, and breed them — their offspring is a new, better, vastly improved version of what their parents were. This new plant, a unique sub-species, is a hybrid vigor.”

That day at the dump — getting rid of what didn’t work for me any more, things I didn’t need — I felt reborn. My commitment to living according to a higher code of ethics became my reality. No longer would I abuse myself, nor would I allow anyone else to. I sealed that new reality by sending all my “babies,” my old art, representing years of hard work, learning, experimenting, yet unfortunately also delving in the dimensions of fear and despair, but beautifully, I’d like to think — sent it all far far away from me. By “dumping” these old works I let myself be free, be reborn. Ironically, East Hampton’s dump happens to be in one of the most affluent and fashionable towns in America, so you might be seeing some of these early works on mine as an anonymous collector’s “find” one day.

By ridding myself of what I didn’t need (about my own work, part of my own being) I willed myself to become a hybrid version of myself. I did this without having to physically die and be reborn, to my great good fortune!

I know, I know, this all sounds very fantastical, but this is the way I prefer to see life, as magical, and ever-changing. All things possible, and all that. Technicalities aside, I did become a better, improved version of myself that day.

And so I put to each and every person I can communicate with: you too can become a hybrid vigor version of your old former, no longer needed self, and give birth to your new Self, just by wanting to

When the day arrived, in 1984, when I was ready to get real, get honest, and put down the two decades of trying to self-annihilate the innate sense of connectedness I’d had since childhood (and which I’m sure all children are born with, before losing it due to life’s outside circumstances) — the time had arrived, two years before the dump episode, when I finally decided to get sober. It took that long for me to get clear enough, in my mind, that letting go of old stuff was what I needed to do. Finally, when I took my old “babies” to the dump and gave them to perfect strangers, that’s when I really started living for my true life’s purpose. This what I mean by the “hybrid vigor” version of myself. Not the old, blaming, shamed, victim-one I’d been for thirty-six years previously.

#

Something similar as what happened to me goes on all the time with the rest of the world. Demons abound. In people and in governments, but like my own former demons (the subjects of my old work), they’re all illusions.

When stress or crisis strikes, we humans have to let our fears out. We have to watch ourselves scream, demand change, prepare to battle the demons, and make known to everyone that evil does not deserve to reside on earth without a damn good fight. We who have conquered our own demons must help others to not hide theirs within their hearts.  Or blame others for what every person alive has the power to change within themselves.

My hybrid vigor self says this: Express the fear, speak about it, share with others. And in that the Light of consciousness will dissipate whatever demon you have, whatever mask fear wears, simply by no longer allowing it to be hidden within your stony, hopeless heart.

Do not pretend fear doesn’t exist. Let our society, our trusted leaders and elected officials know that each and every one of us is responsible for the state our social climate has sunk to. If we see, hear, or feel someone to be mentally in a fragile, dangerous state of murderous rage, it’s our responsibility to get involved. To ask that person who’s in distress if they want help, then go for help. Hybrid vigors speak our fears aloud, because then, because they are not real, the ugly demons inside us run and hide and disappear from the Light of awareness being pointed at them by our own inner Light.

Our job as human beans is not to be paranoid, or worse, pretend fear doesn’t happen. Our job as hybrid vigors is to celebrate great and glorious things, yes! but also to face the evil shadow that lurks beneath the fabric of everyday life and call it what it is — demonic. And then prepare to do battle to slay the demons, one by one, until they are all gone.

I sometimes like to think of we awakened hybrid vigors as “the Army of Love” and I’m one of its active lieutenants. This images makes me smile. So I’ll keep working with that idea.

When more of us (the Army of Love increasing every day with the awakening of humankind happening in vast numbers) can all admit that yes, there is a shadow of hatred in some hearts, we can lovingly help each other heal from this breach, this tear in the fabric of our toxic, fear-filled world. With each unfortunate, next violent senseless action, another rip happens in the fabric of our human civilization, as if our Oneness is a gigantic weaving of humanity. We are all One. We can help each other heal, re-build trust, mend our brokenness, but only when we’re able to admit that fear must be spoken about, in order to eradicate it. Only then we’ll come to trust that love is much much stronger than hate.

Fear remains in our hearts when we haven’t owned how we are all responsible for helping each other to climb higher, let go of mistrust and embrace a higher way of living. Hybrid vigors helping others to peel off their lesser shells, and step out into the Light of their new, better, higher Selves.

Together, we will get over our individual and collective fears. As hybrid vigors we will all thrive on the same level of awareness — of openness to our highest potential. We must trust that Universal Love, also called Compassion, and Oneness. Love in its most expansive, inclusive form is bringing us together for a reason.

We must never pretend that all is well when it’s so obvious that our society is sick. Every bit of energy we spend to help heal our human condition is worth the endeavor.

First, we must firmly believe our world, its environment, humankind’s fear-based structures, are completely heal-able. This fact of our toxicity is proven each times a person, or a leader, goes off, gets unkind, does scarry and unreasonable things with others’ trust. When life’s evil and darkness is revealed, like it is during a mass shooting, or a bizarre politic event as have occurred in recent time, we must trust that the worst, most depraved individual can be mended. And if one person can change themself into a hybrid vigor, so can all of us.

Every person who has ever put down a negative, addictive way of thinking, for instance, is proof of that.

When the world comes together by means of our combined, positively-focused minds, focused on fostering healing energies instead of endless manifestations of fear — our world will take the giant leap to our next step in spiritual evolution.

Send healing wherever it’s needed. Even to the most deranged, hopeless individual. Even to a scary leader whose volatile nature nobody trusts.

The group is much greater than any individual. We are all connected.

We can heal anything. We can spread the balm of love as surely as some try to deny its existence.

How can I say these things?

Because it is my reality. It is how I have chosen to see life. After experiencing the other side, I have the authority to speak like this. I no longer care what others think of me. Fear leads nowhere but to self-destruction and I no longer choose that. People kill other people because they want the ultimate control over whether they live or die. Control and and Kindness are antithetical. If a controller can’t control others by simpler means, they sometimes do simply because they don’t have the courage to end their own lives, the ultimate control one has over themselves: taking themselves out. Suicide.

We can heal any darkness by focusing on the Light. Speak uplifting, kind words to one another. Spread joy and hope; say no to fear, blame, and anger. It takes practice, but changing fear into trust is the way I have sworn to live. There is no other choice for me. And I’m willing to take whatever consequences may arise, as a result of my being so sure that allowing ourselves to become a hybrid vigor, right in this lifetime, is the saving grace, the future of humankind’s survival.

Call me crazy, but I’d rather be crazy within infinitely expanding love than frozen with constricting fear. That former life of mine sucked.

Art and Soul — We Are ONE

I am sooooo excited to announce that my beautifully bound coffee table art-book is HERE!

It’s being delivered (with full-on hurricane-aftermath wind and water, yeow!) in my driveway today. This book is the culmination of years of work, my friends. I want you, my faithful followers here on LordFlea, to be the first ones to know, and to have …

Scan 46.jpeg

I’ve created a brand NEW website … tezalord.me … dedicated to dispersing my art and writing. If you’d like to order one of these gorgeous books, the limited edition is $35 each book (plus $5 @). You can easily order at my new site using paypal or credit cards. I think you will be simply AMAZED at the experience of We Are ONE… an intimate experience, sitting and diving into my book’s images … with minimum prose to help you “dive into” the experience even more deeply. This book is sturdily stitch-bound (not glued), its cover is in linen, all the photos have a glossy glaze that make them STAND out from the matte background.

This is a gem for generations to come. Share the  visual experience of Oneness.

If you have any questions please write me: dearlordflea@gmail.com

Love to you all!

Your pal LordFlea aka teZa Lord

 

Visionary Art, Explained (for a change)

Recently I sold two of my older sculpture-paintings and after the check was signed, the collectors asked me to write up “what they mean” … a request that always tantalizes my artist-writer sensibilities. The following explanations of my art might prove interesting to those of you who wonder how an artist works, what thoughts go through our minds as we create, and other “insider” info that you can’t get just by “looking.” Sometimes the viewer needs a “key” or two to unlock the “secrets” an artist (like me) likes to squirrel away, hoping the subconscious stuff I work with will do its job. I’m glad when people ask. But just for the record: I never “tell” the meaning of a piece unless the viewer has had a chance to appreciate it on their own terms. In fact, I insist on NOT talking about symbolism in a piece unless I feel the viewer is genuinely “hooked” and needs to understand more. In this case, the new owners had simply been attracted to the two works for … what? their colors, shapes, sizes, how they matched a couch? God, I hope not! The married couple did not know any of the following subliminal stuff that goes into my works UNTIL after they’d purchased the two pieces. This is their golden ring, the prize of following their guts and appreciating something besides “what’s obvious.”

Here’s the first piece:

family puzzle

Family Puzzle

Family Puzzle, by teZa Lord (tezalord.com)

Made from cut-out plywood with volcanic lava immersed in acrylic medium (for surface texture), this painting’s image signifies how families are. Always a puzzle, but closely fitting each other. In this one of the series (there are four, each different) the strongest image is the central geometric shape, the circle within a triangle (an ancient sign for the Divine, God’s energy) with lightning bolts coming from it … showing how important it is to have God-energy (Spirit) central to one’s life, especially in a family. The rows of grain on the upper left corner signify spiritual and worldly nourishment; the fecund, quiet figure on upper right with her abundant, spilling-over Horn of Plenty, is the Mother, the center of a family’s spiritual understanding. The Father in this dream-like piece (aka visionary) could be interpreted as the central bulls-eye, Divine Father. The two young, fetal-shaped children, stretching their hands out to each other are under-developed in many respects, showing the importance of inter-action for healing and wholeness in familial members, whether siblings or parents. The clock represents my birth time (4:07a) and the circular shapes are “evolving” into actual wheels…showing progress, development … how I see civilization progressing positively. These are recurring themes in all my work. The main color of the “puzzle” shape is earthly, while the figures and space around, are bluish, the color of Spirit. If you look back from the painting you can see two “tri-grams” … comprised of three lines each … painted on either side, right and left (together they form the two balanced hexagrams of the I Ching called Peace, 11, or Standstill, 12; depending on the trigrams’ up and down arrangement). The tri-grams are ancient Chinese symbols signifying Yin and Yang, male and female, dark and light … and here, in the puzzle of family life, they are nicely in balance. The left side is Yin (female, broken lines, note the spiral-shaped breasts and womb geometry), and on the right is Yang (male, unbroken lines, note the masculine shaped arrow, pointing to center).

… and the second piece …

Baby Steps

Baby Steps

Baby Steps by teZa Lord (tezalord.me)

Constructed in a sculptural manner (physically manipulating, grinding, sanding, removing and applying layers of paint over worked volcanic lava on wooden surface, for texture) Baby Steps depicts my version of the continuity of all life, but specifically how the human race itself is upwardly evolving. Usually portrayed as a female, the central figure in my version is a gender-unspecific rendition of the deity called Nut (pronounced Knut), a figure shown in ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics that reenacts the movement of the sun from horizon to horizon. Thus, her/his “downward-dog” like position, extending from continent to continent … or from this world to the next, showing that life is eternal, as the sun always rises for us on Earth. As a spiritual activist I believe in the positive upward evolution of humankind, even though at times it seems we’re on the brink of self-annihilation. The “baby-steps” in this work (seen walking from right to left, in bottom quadrant) are made with goopy gold paint applied to an actual doll that I made “walk” across the board this work was created on. Manipulation of the surface is to make the works in this series appear like 3-D stone carvings, rather than 2-D paintings. The colors of mostly blues, represent the spiritual life. The three mountain peaks painted reddish, in the background, are my way of indicating a “female-ness” about the central figure of Nut, although the protrusions usually on Nut’s chest, in this case, I turned upside down. Isn’t it interesting what you get when you ask the artist to “explain a piece”! I know no one would ever “get” this piece without my explanation of the imagery, and that makes it even more thrilling to create (like sending secret prayers into the world, yes!). I’m intrigued by who is attracted to the subliminal stuff within a work, and who isn’t.

my meSSY fEEt

Image

This is me in my studio. I love painting with my feet! That’s is a six-foot many-paneled screen you see on the floor.

A Spiritual-Symbolic Drawing Explained in Detail … “the teacher within”

Hi Everyone! Thought you’d enjoy this drawing that I’ll tell you about it after you look at it for a moment.

identifying with the Teacher

identifying with the Teacher

Within each of us is part of everyone and everything else — it’s true! We are All One. Some of us feel this more strongly than others. But that doesn’t make it not true when some don’t feel this truth in their own life, or disagree when someone feels it in theirs. I have experienced this Oneness for myself, so for me there is no question. Also, I’ve been with someone who was in the process of dying (life-transition) and they too experienced this Oneness I’m talking about, just before leaving their physical body. So for the topic of Oneness, and using it as a subject for making art it’s a no-brainer. it’s the equivalent of some people painting horses, cats, or teddy-bears, really. I love Oneness! It’s so inspired my life, my quest for life’s magic that I wish to share it with as many people as I can.

we are indeed, ALL ONE. Let’s look at it from another perspective, shall we?

we humans are crystals of shared energy and consciousness

we humans are crystals of shared energy and consciousness

However, no matter how many testimonials from others, or scientific proof newly discovered about consciousness and how it communicates, mysteriously, but universally — some people insist that they, their personality, their being-ness are separate. That their life is completely their own. That their decisions only affect themselves, their immediate friends and families, etc.

But guess what? This isn’t true. Everything each of us does, whether we’re conscious of it or not, affects the entire world … and I’d dare say the entire Multiverse. One’s life, one’s actions — one’s thoughts — these may not seem like anything important at the time, but … each of our thoughts and actions, certainly our life, counts very much indeed.

Because, after all, our thoughts are nothing less than seeds of actions that will come-to-be in the future. Every action starts with a thought. There is no action, not even the most spontaneous one, that doesn’t arise from having had a thought, even if that flicker of a thought was mere seconds, or a mili-second before an action is completed.

The black and white drawing, the first image, therefore, depicts how it feels when a person such as (I and many of my seeker/spiritual activist friends) have made a conscious alignment with the spiritual philosophy of a certain teacher. The teacher, literally, figuratively, and spiritually, lives within us. The teachings that have resounded in our hearts and minds, become part of our everyday collection of Truths. We use these Truths to decipher how to live, what to decide, how to act.

This is what I was thinking when I drew the image in my journal. Do you relate to its significance? Can you share with us about your feelings?

love and Light from your pal Lordflea

In Spirit: New Ideas a-Tremblin’ in the Wind

Dear Friends,

I was inspired to download on my iPhone a drawing app after seeing last week’s New Yorker cover by David Hockney, who does a drawing on his iPad or iPhone everyday. I’d never even thought of that! Wow, so rush rush to the app store, find a freebie, and voila! Here’s the first drawing of the new graphic season of content, a la Lordflea Sings:

thoughts on new life

thoughts on new life

Within the female form new life stirs.

Within our own minds, new thoughts arise.

Within the social fabric, change and newness cause a-stirring.

And so I pondered all these things, as I drew with my new drawing tool, so cool, so hi-tech, so easy and accessible. I’ll be sharing more of these drawings with you in the future. You can even draw on top of photos, like this one of friends (not minding the ears and moustaches I’ve given them):

making something else of what is

making something else of what is

And that brings up what I have in mind to speak about today. This post has been hatching in my thoughts for quite a while during the last few weeks, as i’ve been busy taking workshops (one about the spiritual meaning of the great pre-Christian era scripture, The Bhagavad Gita, “The Song of God” a many weeks-long course I am still in the midst of; and …  another nine-weeks course on how to build, maintain, and publicize a website…coming soon!).

I’ve noticed a lot of people are on edge lately. Yeterday, for instance, I had two people who ought to have known me better, completely blow my mind by acting as if they didn’t understand the good intentions from which I operate. In short, I felt attacked by their accusations. In one case it was an outright blast of vitriolic unfairness, directed at me for who-knows-what reason. The other was a more indirect, but none the less aggressive swipe at my rootedness in being a kind, giving, self-less person (to the best of my ability). So these actions yesterday, compiled by a lot of tension i generally see going on among so many others these days, has led me to want to share about this subject:

What I do when I get confused by things

I make a list of Pro’s on one side of a piece of paper, and on the other side I make a list of the Con’s, and add to both sides until I exhaust the subject that confuses me. It always makes me feel better, and adds to my understanding, even giving me glimpses as to how I may have caused some of my own discomfort. Wow, now there’s a thought. So…let’s take my present unpleasant-people situaion as an example (with the idea that you can apply this method to anything else that intrigues you, or confuses or challenges your peace of mind, and it will help enormously, to clarify your beliefs about any subject).

My issue is, simply put: I live my life for the spiritual connection I intrinsically feel and have spent my entire life developing, yet some people doubt that, challenge my belief in the existence of Spirit or its validity over geopolitics, environmentalistm, mundane nitty-gritty living, or  simply don’t give this flavor of living (In Spirit, I call it, an incredibly flavorful, bouteous, and diversified lifestyle) any merit.

So here are my columns with some items I’ve been thinking about listed beneath them, for this particular introspective exercise:

PRO (living a spiritual life)                 CON (living a material life)

I live in peace………………………………Others challenge my motives

I feel at One with Great Spirit…………I believe fundamentalism separates

I care to live In Spirit…………………..Many could care less and ostracize me

Spiritual is the new world order……The old order is cracking, people getting weird

I trust that all will be well……………Many are fearful, angry, depressed

Spirit comes from the Heart………Needing things come from Head

Heart/Spirit is pure feeling…………….Unquenchable wants are from thinking

Spirit reaps abundance of all things……..Material always lead to bankruptcy

the Reward is inner peace………………the Reward is things, status quo

Being guided by Spirit is object……….Acquiring stuff and domination is goal

I sometimes feel alone, but am not…..This time is a shift of beliefs

others share Spirit more and more…..I must appear like a freak to many

I love life! am not scared, sad, mad….I notice many others are just that

take a breather---agree to re-think, and maybe, re-birth yourself!

take a breather---agree to re-think, and maybe, re-birth yourself!

take time to reflect before jumping off the edge...you can change!

take time to reflect before jumping off the edge...you can change!

We all have choices. Here’s a drawing I’ve used many times before in my sharings with you, but…hey! it says a million words, so here it is again!

we all have CHOICES

we all have CHOICES

I’m always happy to share my thoughts with each and every one of you who comes to visit Lordflea Sings. Thanks for making time for something special in your life, and in mine.

in the Light,

Lordflea, your pal

Reflections

hello friends! those of you who visit lordflea might wonder “what the heck happened to lordflea?” Well, life happened, that’s what. I’ve been immersed in many more duties away from the computer than usual, and today i’m making it my first priority to write about what’s happening. First Things First for me, today, is to share the waves of life that have come in duos, trios, quads too! and yet—no, I don’t feel overwhelmed.

contemplating the never-ending mystery of LIFE

contemplating the never-ending mystery of LIFE

Most importantly, my 91 year-old mom had another stroke, not too bad so don’t worry about her imminent demise and no, she’s not sitting like a lump slobbering on her front. I was up on my sailing trip a few weeks ago, sitting at anchor off the coast of Provincetown, Mass. when I got a phone call that what we thought was the flu, or food poisoning, when Mom was throwing up just as I left Florida, was actually one of the symptons of her having a mild stroke.

So here it is—daze later—i jumped ship and cut my sail short and flew home just as mom was being discharged. The only side effect of the stroke, it appears, is a small loss of vision in one eye, in one tiny spot of her peripheral vision. BUT a crucial place for driving, so mom is now in need of a chauffear and you-know-who has been filling that bill. Many doctors’ visits, acupuncture and reflexology sessions later, not to mention grocery shopping—thank heavens she’s not into hairdos or silly manicures—i must say it’s a pleasure to be here to serve my mom. That’s the feeling i have, through it all. What a gift that, after a life so wildly lived as I have (soon to be published in the book I’m showing agents and editors at present) I am grateful to have this quiet time to—okay, i’ll say the word—make “amends” to my mom for having been such a worry to her.

The Family Puzzle

The Family Puzzle

And…true to her fisherwoman form (she was up on the fishing pier of St. Augustine when she had this last “attack” that eventually was diagnosed as a slight occipital infarction)…the FIRST thing mom wanted done after getting out of the hospital was to go out and throw the castnet to catch small mullets that she uses for bait throughout her winter fishing. Which, by the way, is her way of meditating and a good one at that. So that’s exactly what we did. And let me say right here, I’m a pretty lousy castnet-thrower, so you can imagine how funny that must have looked, lordflea throwing net after net into a phalanx of swarming fish that came in sweeps thick as biblical locusts, and…coming up with one lousy mullet in my half-opened net. Praise the angels watching over me because I was standing right next to Bob the Fisherman out on Velano Beach, with huge tarpon flopping in the air eating all that mullet, and an occasional dolphin showing off their spins and whistles, as they tend to do on Porpoise Point.

travels in the abyss

like-minded friends cruising nearby

 Ol’ Bob saw my misguided attempts at throwing, and probably figured mom was a little wobbly when she neatly threw her perfectly opened net once (and got 12 mullet right off!). So…all it took was Bob’s golden retriever, named Cash (yes, for Cash Money) to stick his head in our bait bucket and come out with a seven inch mullet happily chewed in his mouth, its tail hanging out of his slobbering jaws, smile on Cash Money’s canine face, and for me to say, “Hey that’s pretty cool—a protein-eating lab lovin’ raw fish!” for Bob to come sauntering right over, grateful to meet another dog lover, and offered to help fill mom’s bucket. In no time at all, we had the damn thing filled with perhaps 200 mullet and mom was pleased as punch.

sometimes ya just wanna jump out of da window...and into some FUN

sometimes ya just wanna jump out of da window...and into some FUN

We’ve just come back from ANOTHER trip to Boston, this one for one reason only—to honor the wedding of our two gay friends, Gene and Nat, which i hope i can get someone to send some photos about, because in my glee and joyous celebration, and sacred relief over this most special event, i forgot to snap the two happy dudes. Duh….. and the camera was right there with me. Ah well, we can’t get ’em all. So here’s another vision of miraculous wonder, in place of my two gay friend’s wedding shot—soon to come on lordflea, i promise.

goddess Nut...signifying eternal life...the path of the sun from one horizon to the other in a day's trip

goddess Nut...signifying eternal life...the path of the sun from one horizon to the other in a day's trip

Back home today in St. Augustine, the weather feels good on my skin, moist yet cool, fertile yet hushed, waiting for the winter that soon will descend upon this side of the globe.

A sad thing happened this morning, that i’ll end with. My iPhone rang by my bedside where it was charging. It was only 7 a.m. and we hadn’t gotten back from Boston till after midnight, so i wasn’t about to answer. Yet I checked to see who it was. I recognized the name, Annie: a woman I’d not heard from for several years. In one brief flash of life’s happening-right-before-my-eyes, I KNEW why she’d called. It was that simple. There could be no other eason for her calling, like THAT, so early, so out of the blue.

Annie and I have a mutual friend named Michelle. About two months ago was the last time i spoke with Michelle, who is a British woman that somehow ended up in the most incongruous lackluster town in Central Florida you can ever imagine. Why? Because she has an alcohol and drug problem, and “life” took her there. She’d been trying to get sober, for years. That’s how I met her, because I’m active in AA, and I take on those that others too often give up on. She asked me to sponser her which i gladly did, as i do anyone who asks, in the best way i can. But after a couple years of working with Michelle i moved to St. Augustine, and her phone calls came less and less. She had a toddler to take care of, she had college courses that ran her ragged, she had a job about which she prided herself on how efficiently she managed those properties: she had this, she had that …. she had a life!

Well, no more.

Yesterday Michelle, either intentionally or accidentally, died of an overdose—alcohol with pills on top, a lethal cocktail.

I dedicate this post today to my friend Michelle, who couldn’t make the journey: learning to live in the Light. It’s a very sad thing, losing someone who struggled so hard with addictions. For any of you struggling with life-threatening traits, please read the “page” on the right hand side of my blog: look for “Letter to a Friend who Still Suffers”…..and maybe you’ll find some solace, or a bit of inspiration.

For me, I’ve picked out a crystal that I shall call “Michelle.” It’s very small, a hazy amethyst color with obfuscations, yet it has clearly delineated facets. Kind of like my friend Michelle, who was sharp and smart in so many ways, yet cloudy about her ability, or her “right,” or her “need” to embrace the Light in order to combat the darkness that haunted her. Instead of polishing her rough spots, and accepting that she wasn’t perfect (who is?) she….couldn’t bear it.

She was actively “trying” but….trying isn’t enough! In order to survive addiction, in order to immerse ourselves in the concept of “living in the Light” we must just THROW ourselves into the LIGHT, and live according to the rule that: for every action there’s a reaction. It’s that simple. But Michelle, God Bless Her, just didn’t believe it, couldn’t “get” it….and we’ll never know why. She was going to meetings. She even was sponsoring someone. She had the “Talk”….but talk is cheap. She just couldn’t jive her walk with her talk, and couldn’t be honest—not with those who tried to help her—not with her own self either. Inside her heart, I know, Michelle never stopped racing around, trying to succeed, be the best mom, be the smartest college student, and think it out, feel it out, sit with life long enough to really, honestly, truly believe she was capable of living in the Light. In Spirit. She allowed the dark to overcome her, because she couldn’t trust her higher nature. The same nature we all share, as spiritual beings living a human life. I mourn for Michelle’s weakness. But her tragic end is a warning to all of us who don’t believe how very important it is to live the Highest that we can—and work for whatever happiness or spiritual fulfillment we desire. It’s ALL possible, if we want it.

My mother, at 91, is alive, and will continue expertly throwing her castnet even with her newly blinded vision. Michelle—barely 40, with a four-year-old toddler wondering how the world will ever be safe again—took herself out, unable to bear the pain of her humanness.

I will cherish this crystal that I hold in my hand. It is symbolic of Michelle’s soul. I feel how that part of her being is now merging back into the Source from which she, and you, and I—and All come from. And then, after a few days of infusing this crystal with my thoughts, my prayers, my intentions, I will walk to the ocean’s edge and toss it as far as I can into the waves of the Atlantic as they burst upon the shores of this glorious earth we live upon.

the continuation of life....the aurobouris

the continuation of life....the ouroboros

And this, is life.

in the Light, lordflea, singing the song of Oneness, and I hope you’re joining me wherever you are. Take a moment and breathe in the Light….and exhale, and join your breath with all. We Are One.

Oneness Messenger

Oneness Messenger