hello friends! those of you who visit lordflea might wonder “what the heck happened to lordflea?” Well, life happened, that’s what. I’ve been immersed in many more duties away from the computer than usual, and today i’m making it my first priority to write about what’s happening. First Things First for me, today, is to share the waves of life that have come in duos, trios, quads too! and yet—no, I don’t feel overwhelmed.
Most importantly, my 91 year-old mom had another stroke, not too bad so don’t worry about her imminent demise and no, she’s not sitting like a lump slobbering on her front. I was up on my sailing trip a few weeks ago, sitting at anchor off the coast of Provincetown, Mass. when I got a phone call that what we thought was the flu, or food poisoning, when Mom was throwing up just as I left Florida, was actually one of the symptons of her having a mild stroke.
So here it is—daze later—i jumped ship and cut my sail short and flew home just as mom was being discharged. The only side effect of the stroke, it appears, is a small loss of vision in one eye, in one tiny spot of her peripheral vision. BUT a crucial place for driving, so mom is now in need of a chauffear and you-know-who has been filling that bill. Many doctors’ visits, acupuncture and reflexology sessions later, not to mention grocery shopping—thank heavens she’s not into hairdos or silly manicures—i must say it’s a pleasure to be here to serve my mom. That’s the feeling i have, through it all. What a gift that, after a life so wildly lived as I have (soon to be published in the book I’m showing agents and editors at present) I am grateful to have this quiet time to—okay, i’ll say the word—make “amends” to my mom for having been such a worry to her.
And…true to her fisherwoman form (she was up on the fishing pier of St. Augustine when she had this last “attack” that eventually was diagnosed as a slight occipital infarction)…the FIRST thing mom wanted done after getting out of the hospital was to go out and throw the castnet to catch small mullets that she uses for bait throughout her winter fishing. Which, by the way, is her way of meditating and a good one at that. So that’s exactly what we did. And let me say right here, I’m a pretty lousy castnet-thrower, so you can imagine how funny that must have looked, lordflea throwing net after net into a phalanx of swarming fish that came in sweeps thick as biblical locusts, and…coming up with one lousy mullet in my half-opened net. Praise the angels watching over me because I was standing right next to Bob the Fisherman out on Velano Beach, with huge tarpon flopping in the air eating all that mullet, and an occasional dolphin showing off their spins and whistles, as they tend to do on Porpoise Point.
Ol’ Bob saw my misguided attempts at throwing, and probably figured mom was a little wobbly when she neatly threw her perfectly opened net once (and got 12 mullet right off!). So…all it took was Bob’s golden retriever, named Cash (yes, for Cash Money) to stick his head in our bait bucket and come out with a seven inch mullet happily chewed in his mouth, its tail hanging out of his slobbering jaws, smile on Cash Money’s canine face, and for me to say, “Hey that’s pretty cool—a protein-eating lab lovin’ raw fish!” for Bob to come sauntering right over, grateful to meet another dog lover, and offered to help fill mom’s bucket. In no time at all, we had the damn thing filled with perhaps 200 mullet and mom was pleased as punch.
We’ve just come back from ANOTHER trip to Boston, this one for one reason only—to honor the wedding of our two gay friends, Gene and Nat, which i hope i can get someone to send some photos about, because in my glee and joyous celebration, and sacred relief over this most special event, i forgot to snap the two happy dudes. Duh….. and the camera was right there with me. Ah well, we can’t get ’em all. So here’s another vision of miraculous wonder, in place of my two gay friend’s wedding shot—soon to come on lordflea, i promise.
Back home today in St. Augustine, the weather feels good on my skin, moist yet cool, fertile yet hushed, waiting for the winter that soon will descend upon this side of the globe.
A sad thing happened this morning, that i’ll end with. My iPhone rang by my bedside where it was charging. It was only 7 a.m. and we hadn’t gotten back from Boston till after midnight, so i wasn’t about to answer. Yet I checked to see who it was. I recognized the name, Annie: a woman I’d not heard from for several years. In one brief flash of life’s happening-right-before-my-eyes, I KNEW why she’d called. It was that simple. There could be no other eason for her calling, like THAT, so early, so out of the blue.
Annie and I have a mutual friend named Michelle. About two months ago was the last time i spoke with Michelle, who is a British woman that somehow ended up in the most incongruous lackluster town in Central Florida you can ever imagine. Why? Because she has an alcohol and drug problem, and “life” took her there. She’d been trying to get sober, for years. That’s how I met her, because I’m active in AA, and I take on those that others too often give up on. She asked me to sponser her which i gladly did, as i do anyone who asks, in the best way i can. But after a couple years of working with Michelle i moved to St. Augustine, and her phone calls came less and less. She had a toddler to take care of, she had college courses that ran her ragged, she had a job about which she prided herself on how efficiently she managed those properties: she had this, she had that …. she had a life!
Well, no more.
Yesterday Michelle, either intentionally or accidentally, died of an overdose—alcohol with pills on top, a lethal cocktail.
I dedicate this post today to my friend Michelle, who couldn’t make the journey: learning to live in the Light. It’s a very sad thing, losing someone who struggled so hard with addictions. For any of you struggling with life-threatening traits, please read the “page” on the right hand side of my blog: look for “Letter to a Friend who Still Suffers”…..and maybe you’ll find some solace, or a bit of inspiration.
For me, I’ve picked out a crystal that I shall call “Michelle.” It’s very small, a hazy amethyst color with obfuscations, yet it has clearly delineated facets. Kind of like my friend Michelle, who was sharp and smart in so many ways, yet cloudy about her ability, or her “right,” or her “need” to embrace the Light in order to combat the darkness that haunted her. Instead of polishing her rough spots, and accepting that she wasn’t perfect (who is?) she….couldn’t bear it.
She was actively “trying” but….trying isn’t enough! In order to survive addiction, in order to immerse ourselves in the concept of “living in the Light” we must just THROW ourselves into the LIGHT, and live according to the rule that: for every action there’s a reaction. It’s that simple. But Michelle, God Bless Her, just didn’t believe it, couldn’t “get” it….and we’ll never know why. She was going to meetings. She even was sponsoring someone. She had the “Talk”….but talk is cheap. She just couldn’t jive her walk with her talk, and couldn’t be honest—not with those who tried to help her—not with her own self either. Inside her heart, I know, Michelle never stopped racing around, trying to succeed, be the best mom, be the smartest college student, and think it out, feel it out, sit with life long enough to really, honestly, truly believe she was capable of living in the Light. In Spirit. She allowed the dark to overcome her, because she couldn’t trust her higher nature. The same nature we all share, as spiritual beings living a human life. I mourn for Michelle’s weakness. But her tragic end is a warning to all of us who don’t believe how very important it is to live the Highest that we can—and work for whatever happiness or spiritual fulfillment we desire. It’s ALL possible, if we want it.
My mother, at 91, is alive, and will continue expertly throwing her castnet even with her newly blinded vision. Michelle—barely 40, with a four-year-old toddler wondering how the world will ever be safe again—took herself out, unable to bear the pain of her humanness.
I will cherish this crystal that I hold in my hand. It is symbolic of Michelle’s soul. I feel how that part of her being is now merging back into the Source from which she, and you, and I—and All come from. And then, after a few days of infusing this crystal with my thoughts, my prayers, my intentions, I will walk to the ocean’s edge and toss it as far as I can into the waves of the Atlantic as they burst upon the shores of this glorious earth we live upon.
And this, is life.
in the Light, lordflea, singing the song of Oneness, and I hope you’re joining me wherever you are. Take a moment and breathe in the Light….and exhale, and join your breath with all. We Are One.