the offering: a book for you

hi friend,

today i’ve started uploading my picture book, “We are ONE” as a gift for you, the reader of my blog. You’ll find it, each day a few segments added, over on the right, on the “page” column.

here’s a sneak preview of the artwork:

drawings-scanned-1108-043

the only hint i’m giving is…yes, that IS a titty-lotus.

Meanwhile, life is pretty busy for me and mine. we had 16 friends from all walks of life here at gobble-gobble time: yoga friends, artists, musicians, a carpenter, a businessman or two, healers, sailors, and of course, my mom, Eve, who turned up with three tasty pies. not too shabby for someone who nearly checked out with a minor stroke just a few short months ago. ahhhh, the wonders of modern medicine, and a lot of acupuncture treatments.

mom’s hearth is also due and many thanks to dori bozung our local, incredibly talented, and very intuitive healer, a great doctor of acupuncture i highly recommend. i’ll give you her phone number by writing me: dearlordflea@gmail.com

gary, the plant man, brought delectable sweet potato pies for the meal and a baby neem tree the day after, which i will cherish and raise as one of my own.

ann and didier, offered our meal yummy organic coffee and drinks, and a pie their son won in a race thanksgiving day. paul and joseph as always, are so well behaved and fun kids to have around.

mridula, brought clean and wholesome grains and simple fixings of her special vegetarian diet. she didn’t take carter up on arm-wrestling, however.

dave and amy, the sailors, brought the good-news breeze, and healthy broccoli besides their good cheer and extreme-laugher.

brian, with his sweet angel grandson Michael, brought delicious pumpkin cheesecake.

kate, ben, and kumari brought a remarkable vegetarian dish, a mexican delight, and something else, a sweet dish with lots of whipped frothy cream and apple-stuffing. yum.

dori blew in at the last moment (whew! after a day of getting healed herself, instead of giving it) with an outtasite pear and greens salad, some outrageous cranberry mixture to die for, a bottle of wine (yes! there was festive vino at our spread), and her big gorgeous smile.

at ann’s urging (thanks, ann!) we went around the table and each of us shared what we were particularly grateful for. yes yes, there were plenty of “good friends, health, love, peace, barack’s victory, etc. etc.” but when it came to my turn, i just had to say how grateful i was to be HERE … at this particular place, at this particular time. it’s heaven on earth for me, these days. but then, i’ve worked hard for what i’ve got. un huh.

but… all that may change any given moment, i know, i know.

cully and fonya and kurt, our kids, were out in montana, while we were here in florida. that’s just the way life is sometimes, apart, but together in Spirit.

so check out the “We are ONE” page, and i’ll see you later!

next time i write i want to share about how i had the opportunity i had yesterday to help a friend of mine who has just heard some really bad news. the understanding i have of how to accept life whether its joys, or sorrows, when life becomes sheer heaven, or when it can–as it does– suddenly change to a challenge beyond measure, is based upon my own experiences. my views represent no particular path, or ideology. just singing the song of lord flea!

breathing in, and breathing out, with you.

pose for the week: how about the side crow. took me years to master, and now it’s like three visits to the chiropractor all in one sustained effort. ahhh, hatha yoga, i love thee and your vigorous energy, which i give to my life through practicing the poses, meditating, chanting…and–most importantly–being in GOOD COMPANY.

in the Light, lord flea

makin’ do with what you’ve got

excuse me while i chuckle.

just got an email from my friend terry, who has just moved to moloki, hawaii, to caretake a 2,000 acre health/wellness/meditation complex with her hub, om-tom. she was writing me how hard it is, how things are just not running right, equipment breaking down, computer stolen when they went in a rented car to the main island–oh, what else, oh yeah, the makeshift computer doesn’t work, and on top of that, there’s no phone reception.

life is rough.

my partner is having a hard time, too–life is challenging these days. it seems to me we’re having not just an economic crisis, but a spiritual one as well. here’s one way of looking at it, a la art:

keeping mind-ful in the midst of hell

keeping mind-ful in the midst of hell

after a decade of living on islands in the “third-world” i can empathize  with you, terry, perhaps more than others…and know that you are just living the life that happens, when you’re not on “the continent.” it’s just the way it is on islands. but the “pros” you will experience, and have, and continue to, will FAR outway the “cons”… believe me. living separate from “all that is” is sooooo spiritually fulfilling, and fun! just write me whenever you get down, and i’ll jump up and dance with you, my friend, and share with you my experience of developing patience, tolerance, and … quite a snotty attitude, actually, that “i’ve learned to do better” than ordinary continentals, as we call them. Because once you get used to adversity being the way it is, always! and learn to adapt to “what is,” … a person changes. we become so much more an “in the flow” kind of person. and that’s really where the Self resides. being in constant contact with true Inner Peace takes hard work. but the rewards? living a good life, even in the midst of unprecedented adversity.
 
who needs things to flow smoothly all the time? that’s so…predictable! ha ha! look at me, miss positive. but i’m not there, where you are, terry, right? but … if i wasn’t here, taking care of mom, you bet that’s where i’d be. i can’t wait to pack my bags and leave “ever-reliable, oh so abundantly efficient” america (or any continental place)…and go to live with the simpler, more “don’t care” kind of folks—the islanders.
 
sorry about losing your mac, though. that’s a bummer. we get spoiled, don’t we? i still use a dinosaur p.c., but i’m happy.

here’s a little cheer-up for my pals terry and om-tom out there in molokai. when life gets tough, when our nerves start to shout! ouch! here’s one solution—retreat into your ever-abundant imagination…yes, just float away in a story. even if you haven’t got bread to eat, you still have your imagination and you that can fill a person right up to the top!

this character sitting in the middle is my good pal Cleozed. he’s a composite, as you can see: man, plant, fish, and –what else?

Cleozed and Hummin'womb-an

Cleozed and Hummin

walk in the unlimited-ness of your being…expand your possibilities, and come fly with me! how, you ask? just breathe…long breath in…long breath out…ahhhhhh-men, and ahhhhhhh-women, too!

in the Light, lord flea

time to come together & unite as ONE

hello friend,

politics, religion, nations–why can’t we just stop the separation among ourselves. i don’t know about you but i’m so tired of all the bickering, whining, blame and anger over not just these things, and want to interject some positive focus, by introducing new currency for ALL countries who celebrate life on planet Here and Now. 

that’s something to think about, ain’t it? so let’s go for it!

i know i know you’re asking who asked me, lordflea, to design this new currency? you may think the U.N., or he, our new leader-elect:

guided by his counselors, the Great Man ...

guided by his counselors, the Great Man ...

but no, i must admit i have not yet received “the commission.” but when i do, i’ve got the design all figured out, which i’m giving a sneak preview to you, here. just a few little details to work out, like the color of the ink (soy based of course), the dimension (how ’bout the sacred geometry rectangle ratio?), the paper quality (look to Crane Paper for the magic formula that the USA uses…high cotton content).

whatever we use to exchange our energy with, be it money, friendship, sports, entertainment, politics or religion…keep it focused on the highest good. please. as we think, so we become.

focus on the solution, not the problem

focus on the solution, not the problem

 

enjoy the day! lordflea singin’ for you–we as ONE

following your passion … whichever way the wind blows ya

hello friend,

i’ve been sailing and motoring the inways, byways and channels around st. augustine this week!  in between nursing others in my family, and attending to bizness as usual, i had to do something to blow out the steam, and … sailing, being on the water, is one of my passions, as well as laughing, dancing, being with great groovy people, traveling, learning new things, writing stories and making art. whew! so many passions.

st. augustine lighthouse seen from the Ace Lady, a friend's sailboat

st. augustine lighthouse seen from sailboat Ace Lady

my passions are many.  some have more.  some…only politics, it seems these days.  whatever yours are, i hope you enjoy pursuing them.  and if you haven’t, or haven’t made time to pursue them, i urge you to do that … like now!

take the owner of Ace Lady, for instance:

Captain Priscilla of Ace Lady at the helm

Captain Priscilla of Ace Lady at the helm

Priscilla is a single woman, an expert solo sailor, self confident and extremely capable, who is following her dream.  priscilla puts everything she has into making sure that dream of hers comes true: owning and operating a sturdy, ocean-going sailboat.  it’s not easy, what priscilla is doing, because the maintenance alone (not to mention the sailing) of such a vessel is … well, beyond comprehension to most landlubbers, such as we.  but priscilla finds the time (in between a successful massage therapy business) to maintain her boat, sail it near and far, chartering it out as much as possible (see www.aceladysails.com for more info).  i greatly admire people like priscilla.  they defy the odds, and make sure their dreams become reality.  bravo priscilla!!

this anchored boat, with its mast under repair, represents another sailor’s passion: as demonstrated by the bedazzling woodworking you see everywhere onboard, representing hundreds of hours of labor-intensive savvy!

every scrap of wood is passionately cared for

every scrap of wood is passionately cared for

even this boat owner’s dingys are exquisitely varnished.  he was down below, no doubt, sanding or applying his loving craft to another woody surface, whistling, happy.  following his passion.

and you?  what’s your passion?  are you at least thinking of how you’ll be able to honor that passion today?  even if, like myself, some days you just can’t.  but no matter how stresed or strained we are, at least we can plan on how our passions will evolve some other day, if we’re busy with other things.  because, as we all know, the unfolding of our realities all start with the thoughts we hold continuously in our minds.

as for my passions:  this week i’ve had to put my love (honestly, it’s an out-and-out obsession) of writing and arting to one side to make space to care-take my mom (still recovering from her T.I.A.), and also husband Carter, who didn’t do what i did when i felt “the bug” invade my body last week (we both got it).  i rested, he didn’t.  i’m not as sick, he’s dog-dead-in-the-ditch sick.  i chose to not do as much and he’s paying the price, poor baby (guys! what is it about guys?!).  for a few days i had to put my passions on hold, to heal myself.  and here i am now, nurse lordflea, nursing others, making sure mom takes her meds; making chamomile tea with honey and lemon in the middle of the night for carter, and yesterday,  a big pot of chicken soup bubbling on the stove, with lots of homeopathic remedies at the bedside of the sick co-captain of our ship, called relation.  for the moment at least, my passion for arting (which most definitely includes writing) is put aside for the good of the bigger picture.

but…my passion of being one with the Divine…is never put on hold.  THAT i can do, whether i’m busy, sick, traveling, or involved with others’ passions, projects, or peculiar personalities:

Sufi Bird...flying as high as he can, as i try

Sufi Bird...flying as high as he can, as i try

here’s another shot of the gorgeous st. augustine lighthouse, which has always been one of my passions in life, and also, in my art:

the lighthouse, in reality

the lighthouse, in reality

and here you can see how my passion evokes another way of “seeing” st. augustine’s lighthouse:

Buddha's Foot; from the lighthouse series

Buddha's Foot, from the lighthouse series

in this series, i take the st. augustine lighthouse, which has always been a personal icon of mine, representing a tower of strength and courage, and use it here to remind me to follow my passion, to do whatever i have to do to take my journey of searching for Truth to the next level.  i use the lighthouse along with other universal, recognizable archetypes (painted in the small squares, surrounded by the matrix of space, time, and matter) as focus.  these paintins are reminders, meant to evoke humankind’s aspiring to a greater good (this is MY political activism, folks!).  just as we awake from a profound, prescient dream and only remember an image, a fragment of it here and there throughout the day, i attempt to portray in this series the remnants of a very real, very tangible inner remembrace: the images hint of who we really are, and where our spiritual journey (of the entire human race, mean) is taking us.  we run into these reminders, always, but do we stop to notice them?  bits and pieces of startling landscape, a word from a stranger, an angelic message on a bus ad, a glistening majestic river, a long road beckoning us to follow.  this series is about our path.  other places, other states of being-ness yet to explore.  here’s another of my lighthouse series, this one depicting an altogether different landscape. 

Moon Beach

Moon Beach

for years i used to run along st. augustine beach, and watch the lighthouse as it grew steadily more prominent.  i was always eager to see it rising over the sandy, sea oats-strewn dunes.  the closer i came to the lighthouse, the more excited i got.  my body would shiver, my breath felt sharper.  i was sure i felt the same as, and fully understood the significance of being “guided” that desperate sailors out at sea must have felt, whenever they sighted a lighthouse with the surrounding seas rough, the night dark, and the way, treacherous.  that’s my inspiration behind making this series.  i chose the lighthouse as my main motif, along with more recognizable totems of great impact, both spiritual and cultural, to convey a strong a message of hope to others.  this particular lighthouse, the one at st. augustine, has always been a beacon of inner strength in my own life.  here’s another of the series.

Shiva's Dance

Shiva's Dance

today, on blog lordflea, it seems to be: honor the Light Within Day!!  yes, that’s a passion of mine!  maybe you’ll feel the excitement i carry in my heart for the unseen Light we all carry within, by gazing at my lighthouse series.  i hope you enjoy them.  here’s the final in the series, as i wish you adieu, a very groovy day, enjoying whatever passion you happen to be engaged in at this very moment!

love from your pal, lord flea

Ghost Tree

Ghost Tree

Dare to be Spiritually Correct … huh?

Hi Friend,

Just back from Boston where we spent a pleasantly gentile weekend attending a gathering of old college friends. 

bridge to nowhere ... crossing the Charles River

bridge to nowhere ... crossing the Charles River

we got to share stimulating thoughts, discussions, symposiums, dances, exhibits, and most importantly, the sharing of life’s sweet laughter.

as i’d mentioned in an earlier post, i’m starting a new awareness about all of us catching ourselves in our tendencies to over-intellectualize and/or over-politicize, and become, more and more, aware of each opportunity to practice, and finally arrive at BEING … more and more … with practice, with joy, even … being SPIRITUALLY CORRECT

instead of being p.c. i suggest we all try to be, and help each other to remember to be … “S.C.” — spiritually correct.

you may laugh, but once you get the hang of this new movement, you’ll enjoy this carefree, “all for others” attitude, even in midst of the worst financial crisis, the most confusing and challenging of political climes.

take our pal Bob, here, showing off his new tattoo.  bob chose the ancient hebrew phrase honoring “Logos”… the “word” of Spirit … in his humble way of proclaiming his own brand of reminding himself to be spiritually correct.  a former businessman, now an ordained minister, bob has branded his love of Spirit into his very flesh.  i kept calling him “reverand biker bob” but … we just laughed, because surely he is not that.  bob’s tat is his own private reminder of his dedication to this new way of being:

Reverand Bob showing his new "logos" tattoo to Carter

Reverand Bob showing his new "Logos" tattoo

so, for the moment, my journey with you that my blog records, documenting my personal lust for art, nature, and adventure, is taking an inward turn as i report more about my most cherished discovery … that among all things people like to share about, the most important journey of all, and perhaps the most unbelievalbe … is a person’s discovering, and then embracing, the Inner Light within.

being Spiritually Correct, s.c., is to acknowledge this Truth (of Spirit) as not only real — but really important to remember.  to call yourself s.c. is to remind yourSelf to keep a heightened awareness ever at the center of all actions, all thoughts, in the rest of all our daily living, whatever that might entail.  being “spiritual” doesn’t mean just now and then.  being s.c. means to live with awakened recognition that we are all ONE.   being s.c. takes precedent over being any other kind of “correct,” be it social, political, intellectual, environmental, groovy, hip, religious, anti-religious, cultural or quaint, material or non-consuming, or … any other ways of being fashionably or unfashionably human.

try something new — be s.c. 

being s.c. means … letting go and letting Spirit into the scene.

Dive into living In Spirit, being s.c.

Dive into living In Spirit, being s.c.

fly from your restraints and you, too, can learn to fly, In Spirit!  let your own Inner Spirit be one with the knowledge that we are all connected, we are all One.  there is a discernible energy that connects us all.  as Chief Joseph said, “we are all connected, in the web of life.”

right now, everywhere i go and you, too, people are buzzing, ranting, non-sequituring, going off the wall (but not jumping out windows–yet!), being passionate about politics, the financial fiasco, the mess our environment is in.  on everyone’s minds is the need for climate change; we’re desperate for conscious, compassionate leadership.  and so it should be, all of us being passionate — right now — at this election time.  because we all must fight for what we believe in, and that includes stating, even fighting for our choices.  each of us must discern from the political pile the best of what is offered.

but come the evening of november 4th, we must all come together as One, no matter what the results of the u.s. presidential election is.

i won’t go into politics here.  this blog is not about that subject.  my thoughts are about art, nature, the environment, and the more important subjects (hey! it’s MY blog, right!) of finding the universal Truth that hides in the heart of all members of the human race, of all living beings, too.  we are all tiny cells in the body of what some call “God” but … it doesn’t matter what you call “IT.”  IT is a mysterious, mystical, but very real, very tappable energy.  IT is a force that is unseen, yet IT connects us all, in more ways than science has yet to discover, but they are quickly on the trail of pinpointing and proving: cellular knowledge, quantum physics, string theory.  stay tuned: michio kaku will explain it all, in all good time.

the IT of plants is the same as ...

the IT of plants is the same as ...

the IT within all … spiritual energy … a person’s chi, also called the kundalini, qi, tao, Great and Holy Spirit … whatever name we choose to call the Divine … is the only reality there is, the alpha, the omega, and … the Logos:

the Force within i call Noname

the Force within i call Noname

this is not serious, no-fun business i’m talking about here. i hope you realize i am reporting on the absolute certain joyousness i feel in my heart, and soul, based on my own experiences of discovering we are all One, all connected.  if you don’t think this is fun stuff–lighten up!  don’t get me wrong or put me in some box marked “weirdo serioso.”  no sirree.  when i speak of living a life based on being s.c. i’m conveying the choice to embrace an attitude, based on personal experience.  but don’t just scoff.   put this s.c. business into practice for yourself, and see your face light up, the smiles barge into your life, and others! 

a person whose life is based on being s.c. is much more prone to laughing and doing silly things like … being in an elevator with or without friends (as happened this past weekend up in Boston) and, for the hell of it, when the doors close and the strangers stuck with you refuse to look you in the eye, or even crack a smile … gently, mellowly start to Ooooooommmmmmmmmmmm.  you’ll feel the energy change, BIG TIME!!!  boy!  you’ll see, as we did, uptight strangers rush out of an elevator so fast you’re practically knocked down!  we laugh and we laugh, and we continue to Oooommmm in the most unlikely places, with or without friends.  this is all good, all great, all unbelievable loosening action:

BE A SPIRITUAL ACTIVIST … be s.c.

help others rid themselves of stiff, old, doesn’t-work, irrepressibly stuffy and unfun thinking that needs to be unwound from the human collective soul.  

let go let Spirit into your heart, and learn to fly!

let go let Spirit into your heart, and learn to fly!

so come on, i dare you!  do something totally whacked-out remindful of Spirit today, and forget being “proper” or “polite” or “afraid to offend”…. just spread the word, of IT, of God, of Spirit, however you sing that song of bliss, whatever the Name is, whatever IT means to you.  

IT may be nature.

allow yourself to become calm, secure enough, just for today, somewhere a wild bird might easily choose to come and rest upon your head.  sit still, and thoughtful, breathe, become filled with s.c. … in your yard, by your window, on a park bench … in a golden autumn meadow.

just allow yourself to feel the goodness of being in tune with the earth, this glorious earth that we are ever-more-consciously stewards of.  your activism starts with remembering the beating of your heart, of listening to your own breath.  your entire life will feel so much better if you invite your busy mind to just stop — for a little while — and merge with your natural surroundings. become safe enough for a wild bird to trust its life to, to alight upon the top of your head.  feel the tender feet of the bird believing you and IT are indeed, the same.

breathe deeply in, pushing your belly out with the in-breath… breathe gently and long out, contracting your belly with the out-breath.  merge with your breath.  why not?  what have you got to lose?

that is what i mean by being “spirituall correct.”

each of us can sit easily by the river of our lives ... in close connection ... being s.c. by just noticing how we breathe

each of us can sit easily by the river of our lives ... in close connection ... being s.c. by just noticing how we breathe

wishing you all a fun, shimmering, serene day, even in the midst of the most tumultuous firey tempest,

in the Light, lord flea

jaZZ and raZ-a-ma-taZZ, TIA-style

friends,

last weekend i attended the savannah jazz festival up in savannah, to honor and support our good friend and world renown congo player, mr. Big Black.

in case you’re wondering, Big Black is very big, and yes, he’s very black.

big black calming for the storm ahead, on his congas

big black calming for the storm ahead, on his congas

Black, as he’s known to his friends, has played with most of the “old guard” jazz greats, including Miles, Dizzy, and my personal favorite keyboard artist, McCoy Tyner.  Black’s brother, an eclectic musician (gone for some years now) named Fish Ray, who played a home-made instrument that looked like a cross between a tin washtub and a broomstick-neck bass fiddle, which he jubilantly played with the original Lord Flea’s band, back in the day when calypso was the true voice of the people.  the people i’m speaking of were mostly island-types, but also from all other walks of life (and all races) where, just as today, movement and dance are just as integral with human expression as the sound of instruments, including the soulful one of the human voice, singing the joys of life, as well as its pains.  yet when Lord Flea chose to sing about the pain of life, he sang with great joy, still. 

the dance and the sound of life's celebration...carnival!

the sound of life's joy, life's gratitude...life's dance

Big Black is  practically the only one left of that era, when Lord Flea rocked people’s hearts, and Fish Ray made everyone want to jump up and shout, and Big and Fish’s sister, Becka, that gorgeous nubian princess, caused a sensation with her rendition of the “sand dance,” an erotic slice of rhythm and physical stamina performed, on a patch of sand placed on a shiny stage, to the blood-current-tingling sounds of Lord Flea’s calypso band.

check out you tube’s Lord Flea clip.  you’ll know what i mean when you see it.  the early ones who knew that music was to celebrate the spirit, and uplift the soul.

we're all in it, whether we know IT or not, so enjoy!

the dance of life: we

 black invited us to come and help him celebrate being inducted into the jazz All-Stars, the veritable Hall of Fame for the greats, featured at the savannah jazz festival.  we enjoyed hearing him and all the All Stars Band play, and all the other fabulous musicians, including the jazz band of the university of florida, and simone, nina simone’s sensational daughter (oooh, love those neat coppery coily-dreads!), whose lusty voice was strong and will be heard a lot more, i dare say.

jazz festival attendee...with lots of interesting features

jazz festival attendee...with lots of interesting features

meanwhile, back at the flea ranch, mom has suffered a slight set-back.  i’ve been busy rushing back and forth to doctor and hospital, and we finally determined she’s had a TIA, a transcient ischemic attack, which is sort of like a “mini stroke” but much less severe than that implies.  all of a sudden she couldn’t finish her sentences, was confused, and grew increasingly scared about what was happening to her.  terror set in when she tried to pay her bills and numbers just swam in front of her eyes.

the life of the party at her surprise 90th, mom just two weeks ago

the life of the party at her surprise 90th, mom just two weeks ago

life can change…for all of us…in just the blink of an eye.

mom is fine now, thanks, but … she’s been given a clear warning sign from the Great Beyond, that she has to make some major changes (diet, exercise, mindfulness, calming herSelf into let-go-let-God-ness) if she wants to live to her 91st birthday.  which we’re all sure she will.

she’s a strong, incredibly self-reliant person, and i’m very sure i wouldn’t be half the artist, writer, and spiritual warrior that i am today, if i hadn’t been raised by this particularly unique, lithuanian-descent woman (well versed in all the pagan-catholic fairytales that that culture embraces)–my mom.  i don’t want to lose her, now that i’ve finally found, and accepted her.

thanks, mom.  it’s a pleasure and a delight to be able to give you some loving support in your time of need.  for years, i couldn’t.  now i’m strong enough, well enough, and self-reliant enough, like you, to pay back just a small portion of what you’ve given me all these years.  i love you and i accept that i had to be raised by someone so different from me, in order for me to find out who i really was.

ancestry, from embroynic to the highest possible...and everything in between

a mother-daughter kind of thing: ancestry, from embryonic to the highest possible...and everything in between

i send love and Light, healing and invigorating, and filled with joy…to each and every one of us,

lord flea, your pal

sacrifice…the true happiness

hi friend,

i’ve been told by my teachers, and now have found it to be true–the only true happiness in life is when you serve others.  i’ve found this by…you got it!…being in a position to serve, or else!

lord flea serving the garden

lord flea serving the garden

my mom, who just turned 90 and for whom we just threw a grand, well-attended (over 70 people from all walks of life, all ages) surprise party, has been found to have a “leaky valve” in her ticker. 

mom at her party with her mike, her dentist and gloria, her fishing pal

mom at her party with mike, her dentist and gloria, her fishing pal

i’ve been lord flea’s jitney for her, going back and forth for the last 3 days to mayo clinic, an hour’s drive one way. many tests.  moniters. consultations, all a result of the very first sign of some physical challenge, new to eve, who’s always been healthy, always enjoying a med-free life for her 90 years.  up to now. 

serving mom as jitney, as companion, as selfless daughter and yes, friend, too, is indeed my pleasure, my honor, my delight.

it hasn’t always been like that though. 

our relationship has not been what i’d call a happy or very fulfilling one for either of us–until very recently.  not through any fault of hers.  i take total responsibility for our relationship having been so strained since i left home and became the adventuring gypsy i chose to be.  the onus of a good mother-daughter rapport has been totally mine.  truth is, i couldn’t be with her without crumpling in a heap of self-pity, anger, and horrible, crippling unresolved angst.  through working on myself, i got over this hurtful stage of “blame and shame.” 

first i had to get over my addictions, then i began to forgive mySelf, then finally i ended up doing “rapid eye movement therapy,” quite the buster of the deeply rooted neurotic triggers i had going with my mom all my adult life.

for years i had to stay away from all my family.  i simply was too angry to be any good to anyone, including mySelf.  when i was with her, we fought. i couldn’t get beyond the bad feelings that overwhelmed me by her habitual criticisms.  her well-intentioned comments triggered a certain madness within me, and i’d go berserk with anger, or insecurity–or both.  for literally decades i had bad times with her, or none at all. 

why?  i simply wasn’t ready, in those days, to let go of my resentments over the stupid silly childhood issues of mine, that I hadn’t yet figured how to resolve.  yipes!  how long do we have to work before we let go of things that hold us back?  for me it seemed ages before i stopped being pissed off!

the angelic Self within us all

always looking UP to getting beyond any drawbacks: the angelic Self within us all

but finally the day came when i said “i’m ready!  i surrender.” 

what did i surrender to?  i’m so glad you asked.  first i had to surrender to the addiction of putting mySelf down.  i had to learn to Love mySelf.  because LOVE is the only thing worth surrendering to.  Self love first, and then, afterwards, love for all others.  “see God in each other,” that’s my motto.  and now i know, by experiencing it, by continually practicing it (through positive thought, meditation, chanting, and other yogic practices) that by surrendering, i am truly victorious over any obstruction in my path, that i too, am perfectly worthy of experiencing happiness. 

now i’m no longer a slave to my anger, resentment–or (hardly) any of my old negative addictions, chemical or emotional.  i am glad to report that i am freed of the stupid silly, crippling feeling of separation, of being different that Love itSelf.  now, finally, my heart has melted entirely: i have learned to forgive mySelf for my shortcomings, and I have learned (and worked hard at) to forgive my mother for her shortcomings, too.

she only did what she knew best…and who am i to fault anyone, especially my own family, for not having done what i, little me, perceive to be best for me, for anyone?

maybe what was best for me, in the long run, was to have all the hardships, the alcoholic father, the trying-to-survive-alcoholism, critical mother; all the confusion, judgement, the crushing feelings of not being supported or acknowledged for who i felt i was–because what has resulted in this life of mine, from having experienced all these challenges (common to many), was to push myself to become the very best, the most true, most loving spiritual warrior that i can possibly become.

thus, i am yours truly, lord flea, writing this to you.  in hopes that it will touch you, and help you.

and for this, i am smiling-heart, soulfully grateful to my mother, and my departed dear father, but especially my sweet, sincere, and now scared of not being as healthy as she’d like to be, and used-to-be, ever-strong, ever-robust mother, eve.

in sacrificing my time, my energy, and my strength to uphold my mother during her personal crisis now, during this challenging time of hers, i add so much to my own emotional and spiritual stature.  i feel myself grow from giving.  i can feel the goodness of sacrificing my wishes, for hers, flow into my veins like an invigorating transfusion of oxygen into stale blood.

it’s one thing to say “i love you” to someone–to a mom, to a lover, to a friend.  but it’s entirely another thing, a more real, more magnificently human thing to actually “act out” the love by sacrificing, by sublimating our wishes to fulfill someone else’s needs. to make I Love You an active state of Being, a gesture of sacrifice, instead of merely a cliche, a trite, overused statement.

to give of our time, our funds, our life’s strength–for and to our love.

ahhhhh, it makes us so much more whole to give to others.  we become so much more human.  in doing so we also become so much more attuned to our highest potential.  truly, this is what all great scriptures from time immemorial, talk about when they mention how the state of “being human” is the closest to touching, to “being” and “actualizing” the state of the Divine. 

God dwells within all of us.  We are One.  we are all tiny cells within God’s universal body.

we are all cellular units within God's body...the Universe

we are all cellular units within God's body, the Universe

with great love, great respect, and great sacrifice–for each and every one of you, (my sharing is my sacrifice, in case you’re wondering what could she mean…sacrifice…what??? for me??)

your pal, lord flea

ps. next post i’ll talk about my time in savannah at the jazz festival, which i attended last weekend.  since then–i’ve been helping dear mom.