Speaking as a so-called “victim” of sexual abuse, I have the authority to write deeply about a subject that’s too often, in the past, been considered either taboo or bad taste. Well, too bad, any leftover squeamish sex-prudes! The secret’s out! Humankind is sexually obsessive! That’s right! And it’s time we call sex for what it is — the second most driving force (mostly hidden) of human nature, right after survival-of-our-species itself.
Let’s face it, without sex, humankind would perish. It’s that simple. Sex and survival go hand in hand. Okay, you outraged ones (always!) before you get your feathers all ruffled, let me explain that this doesn’t give license to people to do anything to anybody they want, sexually or otherwise. Allow me to present my viewby painting the picture of my own experience.
Yes, sex is lovely and as natural as, well, bees and all other kinds of Nature’s creatures. We humans are animals, we must remember! But we also use the word “civilized” in connection with the type of natures we humans have been cultivating for, oh, let’s see … is it hundreds of thousands of years, or is it just yesterday, or the day before, when thesexual truth of many powerful men’s unacceptable behavior was thankfully, finally revealed to be the norm, more than anyone ever thought.
When CONTROL is added to the sexual urge, the energy of sex irrevocably changes from divine to devastating. The effects of sex, when two people are not of the same consensual and mutally agreed-upon level of carnal excitement — the merest of sex acts, or improper touching — changes to a weapon of utter destruction, to both the perpetrator (eventually) and to the victim (immediately).
I’ve always known how sexual this so-called human civilization of ours is because I was sexually molested at age ten. The whys, the questions, the mind-blowing crashing of my basic and utterly faithful trust (up to that point) in humanity that followed, and the consequent healing that finally arrived after I stopped self-destructively rampaging and got down to serious self-love healing — all this has led me to understand this issue from a different point of view than most people ever mention.
And that is:
Until we stop controlling others, and stop letting others control us — which can be applied to the subject of sexual conduct as well as all other forms of interaction in our global society — we will never truly know the real meaning of Spirit in our lives.
Because to live in Spirit, to breathe freely in Spirit’s uniquely free-wheeling manner, is to let go of all control. And that includes, most especially, allowing others to control us as well as letting go of the need to control any other (mothers raising young children is the only exception to this statement I make).
Every person, child or woman, who allows themself to be un-wantedly fondled, has to learn to kick their aggressor in the crotch, poke their fingers in his/her/their eyes, and run and scream and shout for safety! No longer allow yourelf to be vicitimized, male/female/in-betweener: this is what I’m stating here. I know this because I was the victim of someone’s sexual control before anyone ever told me there was such a thing. Or that such a thing was UNACCEPTABLE. No one told me I could bite, scream, claw, kick and defy my aggressor, as I would have, if I’d only known what that was what was happening to me.
Children don’t understand the mystery of the power of sex intuitively. A ten-year-old being sexually played with doesn’t even know that sex with an adult is an “improper thing.” To me, when my molestation took place, I hadn’t a clue what was going on. It wasn’t until I saw the reaction of the adults I told afterward, that I figured what had happened wasn’t really the “game” I’d been told it was. Wasn’t really “Okay” as I’d been lied to.
I’ve been told that in more primitive societies, before our so-called “civilization” took hold, that incest and adult-child sex was permissible, indeed, even ritualized. But we live in a different world from our cave-dwelling ancestors. And change is, once again, happening. Sex must be revealed as the sacred thing it is, between individuals who love and care for each other. We must spread this information more than ever, today, NOW, as a result of the recent spate of revealed abusers resulting from victims, at last, stepping forth.
It’s up to each parent, aunt, uncle, grandfather, grandmother, brother, sister, mother, father, to protect their child from sexual or any other kind of unjust manipulation. To fail at this is like failing to provide water, air, and food. You kill your child if you do not protect him/her/them from a sexually compromising situation.
Okay, children aside. Let’s talk a minute about this current hoopla about all the men who are being outed for sexual transgressions. In many cases the women who were victimized are portrayed as being “in fear of their jobs” and some, even raped, or otherwise disrespected by incredibly narcissistic behavior played out in front of them, without their permission, by men who felt they had power over these women.
Whatever the circumstances, it’s time for our family of humankind to take the next HUGE step toward spiritual well-being. And that’s to admit that sex has always been a power-tool wielded all too commonly, and easily, by unscrupulous and mean-hearted. And I’m not just saying men are the guilty ones. I’m sure there are going to be some female predators that will be uncovered, during this stage of reassessing what’s basic to acceptable human behavior. What’s acceptable and what ain’t applies to all, regardless of gender.
To me, very sensitive to sexual improprieties since early childhood, any form of un-asked-for physical touching must be agreed upon, by both parties, adults and children. As a yoga teacher, I’ve been asked many times to “not touch me, please!” because certain students can’t tolerate even a gentle touch to remind a hip to go further back, or a spine more elongated. Everyone has different barriers, boundaries, or needs. And nothing must be assumed. I remember the occasion (it’s happened more than once) when my extraordinarily long fingers (I’m quite tall) accidentally touched another woman’s breast who happened to be standing close to me in conversation. I always acknowledge when this happens. I always say, “Oops, sorry!” and always, the other party smiles and says, “No problem.” This is human decency.
What isn’t human decency is to assume, as some men have, that it’s cool to come up to me and kiss me smack on the lips with their slimy, sloppy, saliva-drooling mouth. But I’ve never said anything about this before. I don’t want to hurt the man’s feelings, they’re usually some poor sod. I’m thinking of an elderly, well-meaning man especially, but nonetheless, I shudder every time I see him as he insists on kissing me this way, and it’s always right in front of his wife too, yet I hate it and from now on I won’t let him do it anymore—because it dis-tresses ME.
The more men (and maybe women) who are exposed publicly as using sex as tools of control, the sooner we’ll get over this clumsy stage of our human development. We’re going through growing pains, that’s all. Our human species is in teeny-bopperhood in terms of our spiritual development. True!
Think of it. We’re in a very permissive time in our culture. Tits and asses are all over the place (I hate it, it goes against my goddess-image Self, when I see Nicki Minaj shake her big fat booty, and Beyonce, too!). We’re supposed to respect our bodies as sacred yet hip-hop stars are debasing the female form more and more each year, and young people are being taught to accept it. Think it’s cool. Well, it ain’t! But we’ll keep going to the extremes until it’s cool to … go in the reverse direction. That’s human nature. To expose our boobs to the very umpth degree and think that no repercussions will ever come of it is just plain stupid — why? — because we are sexual beings. And are men supposed to control themselves and not drool or want to screw a piece of ass that’s being flaunted in front of them? Are they? Why should men be tortured, and then screamed at for being sexual abusers when they touch a woman’s ass, or tits, without getting her permission. It’s a screwed-up logic, this sexual game our society is playing. But, playing it, we are.
I think it’s such an interesting time, this crossroads of our homespun American purity with the rash of current exposure to power-hungry perverts who have been abusing women for far too long. I’m sure there are going to be some innocents that are pushed into the “guilty sack” along with the true oppressors. Usually I can tell by someone’s visage, the features we can see in a person’s face, about his/her/their true nature. In the case of Harvey Weinstein, it’s evident he’s a pig. No doubt about it. But for the faces of some of the accused, well, it’s hard to tell, isn’t it? Who’s going to be someone you can trust, and who ain’t?
My own dear consort, Carter, who is the epitome of gentlemanly ways and respects women as the goddesses they are, was longago accused of sexually abusing his own sweet young daughter! Unjustly, and in the end, completely insanely, by his gone-crazy-with-anger-and-grief, soon-to-be ex-wife, who had nothing to fight back with except her Jerry Springer-like accusations that Carter took advantage of their beloved 4-year old daughter. The befuddled child was yanked from her home and spent 4 months in a cruel foster care setting, until the court’s investigations could be made, when Carter was fully exonerated, and the daughter was returned to his care. The mother (along with the grandmother) was charged with making false accusations but didn’t get jailed, as her daughter had.
Both my stepdaughter, now 33, and my wonderful man Carter, were horribly scarred from the nightmare of having to go through the repercussions of having been drawn into this sex-scandal heralded by the lies of the ex, who is now dead from her misdirected life of overusing drugs and alcohol.
Extremes like this will continue. It’s human nature to be messed up. We all know that. We’re no angels. We’re all just trying to get better, one person at a time, one day at a time. But until the world starts talking publicly about (as it is NOW) and accepts that sex has been used far too much, far too commonly (even priests, pastors, men of so-called spiritual leadership) — things will not begin to change unless there is a sea change.
And that sea change is — awareness.
Breath by breath, person by person, the awareness that is possible for an individual to experience higher ways of thinking, feeling, Being — may start with a shock, such as a grossly inappropriate sexual encounter. Epiphanies shake one’s very foundation in trusting life. I know that’s what happened to me. I’ve thought about how sex shook my world a good deal, starting in my early teens. If I hadn’t been sexually molested, and lost my faith in my fellow humans, I would never have gone to such extremes as I did, trying to hide from the fact that I loathed myself. So I ended up burying my consciousness in drugs and alcohol as many victims do. Until I nearly died. Then I had to make the decision. To stop trying to control the inner dragon, which is what addiction is. I one day chose to let go of that control, and surrender. By surrendering to the dis-ease of addiction, I came to be victorious over my self-loathing. I gave up the fight. I gave up needing to control my state of mind through a puff here, a sip there, a slug there, and a chug-alug drowning there. I finally chose (after bottoming out) to become, in more ways than just the word … natural.
And when I gave up controlling my addiction to mood-altering substances, hoping they’d take away the pain of having been abused (poor me, poor me, pour me another drink!) — I gradually came to the place where I could give up the need of letting others control me.
It took a while. But I kept practicing. And pretty soon I learned how to say NO! No, you cannot control the way I feel, the way I think, and certainly not the way I act. When I let go of both things — needing to control and needing others to control me — that’s when I learned what true freedom really is.
This is what our society now faces. The same choice. To come alive, awake, aware! Burst out of our secrets, our shells, our hard covers over our beautiful, oh so beautiful BIG hearts! Our true humanity. Love is the weapon of mass illumination.
Now that many so-called men of power have been exposed for the predators, abusers, rapists, and no-goodniks that they are, each person today has the choice of … acting with more human dignity in their own personal life. Not judging others until they know all sides of the story, for instance. Remember how Carter was unjustly accused! But also remember this. Something that happened long before I was abused as a ten year old child. How we need to educate our children more. This is what I witnessed myself. Something that forever changed my life. And made me cautious about accepting people as who they say they are.
I was riding my bike around our urban neighborhood one summer day. Our house was across the open meadow of an Illinois field, where I’d ride a narrow bumpy path from my neat grass-clipped yard over to the smooth sidewalk and parking lot that surrounded my small parochial school that was, naturally, closed up tightly for the summer months.
On this hot July day when I was eight or nine, riding my bike around, I saw something weird that caught my eye. It was down a deep dark stairwell, one that led to classrooms below ground level. I saw a flash of yellow. So I stopped my bike. Got off it and peered down the stairs. The yellow of a wide-brimmed straw hat sat atop a man’s head. And just then he looked up and I saw that he wore sunglasses and was stone cold naked! And then I saw that his hand was doing something strange like up-and-down in his lap and he was looking at me awfully funny. So I jumped on my bike and whisked back home, all of a two-minute feat, rushed and told my mom, who ran across the field by herself.
Years later, as she drank Scotch late one night, she told me, “That was our old parish priest you saw that day, Father Aloysius, and I caught him red-handed doing just as you said!” Mom sadly shook her head. She’d waited over 20 years to tell me what to her, was “The Horror!” She went on and said, “I didn’t know what to do. He saw me and ran his bare butt self into the school door and I ran home and called the oldest member of our congregation, the local dentist. Together Dr. Bob and I decided to go tell the Bishop, which we did, and real soon there was a younger priest sent, to watch over the old man.”
That was all my mom could do, back then. Now … it’s a different world. Women are free to be who we are, just another gender. We have rights we didn’t have even in my early womanhood.
Things are getting better, folks. We’re becoming better, more spiritual people with each little bit of control-or-be-control that gets loosened from our humanity-made torture chambers.
HERE’S the GOOD NEWS!!!
Watch for my upcoming book, it’s to be released next week! Telling more stories about how we, our beautiful human family, are becoming more spiritualized, day by day, person by person.
Stay tuned, as soon I’ll be posting a link where you can purchase a copy for yourself.
All love to you, teZa aka LordFlea