Throughout the holidaze this year things couldn’t have gone more chaotically. I won’t go into the gory details here, but let’s just say this was the most difficult Christmas and New Year’s season I’ve yet experienced. Having a death in our intimate family is always hard, any time, but during the season to be jolly, triply rough.
A month before, I looked at my beloved and said, “I just can’t do Christmas, Carter! I simply don’t have enough energy to do all that’s needed to make it a special time for our family (our two adult kids who were going to be with us for the holiday, and our one grandson, age 4). I need whatever energy I’ve got to get my ailing mother back home.” My mom had spent over a year at a local nursing home having come very close to death from an accidental overdose of meds and ensuing complications.
“No problem,” Carter said. “I’ll handle everything here. You just focus on what you need to do to get mom back to her own home, as she wishes.”
And so, with my loving life partner, we worked as a team and got through everything we needed to do in the next weeks. Mom came back home the day after Christmas (which had to be handicapped-prepared, not to mention hiring full-time caregivers for round-the-clock care she now needs) and our kids and grandchild had a splendid Christmas, thanks to Carter’s completely, ridiculously fun approach to the holiday festive spirit. And, of course, his letting me focus on what I needed to do with Mom.
I have to express my gratitude here, for having my most spectacular mate. Without him my life would be completely different than it is. Sometimes I pause to think how life would be … so very different … without Carter. And he says the same to me when we speak of such things.
But I remember all too well how it is not having a life partner. I remember how difficult even the most basic chore could be sometimes, and how easily it was to feel overwhelmed. Before choosing to be mated (yes, it’s a choice! because before I chose not to be mated, thank you very much) life was … very different.
Every choice I’ve made has taken me to exactly this place where I am, right here and right now. Every choice adds up. I’ve known this for ages but these days I seem to be even more extra-careful about the choices I make. Because I know how drastically every single choice can affect me, my loved ones, even humankind, even years way down the line.
We are all interconnected.
Recently I made the decision to let go of hosting a spiritual gathering that Carter and I have co-hosted since September 11, 2001’s events shook the world. I chose, back then, to help fortify our spiritual strength, as a family of human beings united by love and peace, by bringing the sacred ceremony of seekers gathering together in chanting and meditation (not too much teaching in our form of satsang) to strengthen the inner relationship between awakened consciousness and our daily life. First we held weekly satsang, the Sanskrit name for this gathering in our home, for many years. Then a few years ago we took this gathering of mindful soul-celebration, to a public yoga place in our seaside community.
This year, with so much going on in my life, I realized: I only have so much energy.
THAT was a realization that took quite a while to admit, and then accept. But months later, after testing my feelings, I fully admitted I needed to change.
Now I have let go of the responsibility of hosting satsang. Carter wanted to continue, but hey, he never had to do as much preparation work as I. I tried to get others to take over so our sweet and years’-long spiritual community wouldn’t disperse, but no takers stood when I asked for help.
Everyone has such busy lives these days.
So for now I am learning to conserve my energy. Truthfully, this is the main way I have to stay focused on what needs to get done. I try to look around at what I’m doing (occasionally) and clean house, so to speak, by letting go of things. Sometimes I’ve even had to let go of friends who no longer support me lovingly, who no longer agree with the clear vision I have of what my life’s work is. Or play.
Sharing more with you here at LordFlea is something I have in the back of my mind. But mostly I need to get my written works published. And that takes a lot of effort. Maybe now I’ll be able to do what I’ve known I need to do for … well, forever. Now that I’ve freed up a lot of psychic space and physical energy in my day-to-day, I no longer have any more excuses. Do I?
What are some of the ways in which you have, or need to recognize how you can better use your not-quite-unlimited life energy? I’d love to hear from you.
In Spirit, with great love for all of you,
LordFlea, aka teZa Lord