Do not despair. My experience, and I’m sure yours too, is that “dark times” always lead us to more light, more awareness, more … everything we need.
If you’re doubting yourself as deserving a lover — don’t.
The mind is an organ and okay, you got one. Big deal. The purpose for our brain is to help us discern (viveka, spiritual discernment) and then … drop the issue you’re thinking too much about. The thinking process can get us in such deep kaka, and I know you love to over-think. Also…I suspect a bit of self-sabotage might be happening. Romantically, I mean, because lots of us are “grass is greener over there” sorts, rather than working with what we have or asking for what we want, and when he/she/it arrives, recognizing that has happened. Then … be ready to go deeper.
Now, mind you I’m not saying you should have stayed with the psych jobs, and I don’t know what the problem is with the last lover you had (although that seems a toughie, right THERE…four kids? shoosh! that’s a killer for any writer’s peace and quiet). But I am saying, next time your heart goes flutter flutter and you trust it’s your Highter Power’s idea, not your unmodified lust, well then. Decide to dig in and “make a perfect love” instead of expecting to find it under a rock somewhere. We all begin as flawed people, we who couple. But then through one thing after the next, we mold ourselves, grow, expand, and eventually are perfect for each other (at least as far as intimate compatibility is concerned). My spiritual teacher says that the main reason couples ought to come together is to better realize our Higher Self. Find someone on your spiritual wave length, my friend. All the other stuff works out.
Carter and I are very very different, but we are both total God addicts.
As far as the writing is concerned, you just gotta do it! And see where it goes. I’m in the midst of a huge shake-up thanks to the editor who reviewed my work. And … gee, after I got over the heartache that he wasn’t jumping for joy and offering me a sign-here contract, I contemplated his comments (so kind that these people take the time and jolly for them if they’re really really honest) … and he was correct. Everything he said I was too wrapped up in myself to have noticed my GUT was telling me all along. In my case, the tone was off (somehow I got side-tracked from my original intent). But now I am re-visiting my work, and will bring the tone back to its original personal, intimate, whispery kind of irreverent soul-barer, that I was too chicken to stick to before (maybe afraid of hurting people’s feelings, or … too scared to show who I really am? dunno).
Anyway, I’m sorry you don’t have a lover to keep you company … but if that‘s what you truly want, just pray to your HP for the “perfect mate” to appear, and she (he or it) will! I got real specific just before Carter came into my life. I outlined exactly what I wanted .. and he pretty much filled the bill. So much so that it freaked me out and I almost ran when he appeared. complete with the two little kids, that were on my list, yup, but I thought my newly arriving God-sent man and I would end up adopting them. So you have to keep things specific, but flexible in your requests to HP. Lo and behold, when Carter did appear, a single dad of two YOUNGsters (4 & 7), I almost dis-believed his arrival. It scared me, and I didn’t think I had it in me, to love so selflessly, to raise someone else’s kids (the missing bio-mom). But HP is our intelligence tuned into universal energy. Believe, and you will receive. If you want to be happy … you have to work for it. Joy doesn’t come sugar coated wrapped in pretty pink bows (the Dalai Lama says this much better than I).
But … maybe you’ve never really wanted happiness?
Have you ever explored the possibility that … gulp … you’re addicted to misery? Hey, it’s kind of adrenalin-rushing, this feel-shitty crap, isn’t it? Happiness is more … so quiet, so serene. Calm. Peaceful. Lake-like rather than the rushing force of killer waves bombarding your sinking raft. You get the picture.
I do believe a meditation practice is the best remedy for a busy mind. So … how’s your asana-pillow doing, is it Shakti-fied? Doing any chanting to still that philosophizing, deep deep deep mind of yours? Attending any spiritual programs? Satsangs? Have awakened-mind friends you can just get sublimey with? Yeahhhhh. company you keep is where it’s at! Yes yes, plants are nice, but so are spiritual-minded folks. Find some! I even go to church with Carter (not my bag) but it’s very sweet. Today there was a baptism and it was just so damn sweet. This is the gift of being coupled. I would NEVER go to church if I weren’t with Carter. He loves Jesus, who is his guru. Carter comes to Satsang, even plays drums for me as I play harmonium. We do monthly Satsangs for our community. Bliss!
We work really really hard for the wonderful abundance of joy we count as ours.
Be well my friends. Decide what you want, then make up your mind to work for it.
Love from your pal, Lord Flea